I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
-David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
-Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
-Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
-Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
-Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
-Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
-Sam Kinison

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
-Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
-Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
-Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
-Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
-Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."