T.D.Jakes in his book ‘The Great Investment’ says “Life is like a puzzle: amid these oddly shaped pieces there are two that fit each other. They don’t fit because they are perfect, they fit because they are perfect for each other. Apart, they are two pieces without definition; together they complement each other and take on meaning.” This then is the joy of marriage. It is up to us to see that our marriage is successful.
What damages a marriage?
There is one particular area in a marriage that does the maximum damage. If you do an honest analysis, you will arrive at the truth – the damage is done by competitiveness. When we find ourselves in areas where we feel vulnerable and unappreciated, we feel driven to prove ourselves and this leads to a ‘competitiveness’ in the relationship. We give below some of these areas where couples generally find themselves competing with each other. Reflect on these points – don’t be in a hurry to say “Oh! That’s not me!” or “I don’t think that applies to me!” Just take your time to analyse and you may find that you have after all gone through them!
* I am much more reliable than you
* I think I’m better equipped to bring up the kids
* I handle the car better than you do
* I’m more capable of managing the finances than you are
* I approach life in a more balanced manner than you
* I am more sensitive to others’ feelings than you are! I never get so emotionally involved as you do
* I am able to deal with situations more objectively than you
* I always see the bigger picture
* If there is going to be any planning, it will be done by me. I am far better at planning than you are
* I am more spiritual than you
Even as you go through this list, you will recognize how easy it is for us to get superior. The situation becomes competitive when we try to live out the perceived truth at the expense of our partner. It is this that gives rise to conflicts. So what is the solution? Recognise your differences and change your attitude. Complement, not compete. It is only when you help, support and encourage each other that you will experience total ‘joy’.
What does marriage teach us?
Married love teaches us to be selfless
It teaches us humility
It teaches us fidelity
We learn about the importance of little things
It is the journey itself and not just the ending that brings us great joy – especially when we are totally in tune with each other as a couple. Looking back on your married life, you must be able to acknowledge that you may not always have made the right choices, stumbled and tripped up many times during the journey – but the important thing is that you have managed to pick yourselves up, help each other up, shaken off the dust and made a fresh start. Marriage then, is a spark that has to be consciously fanned into a flame. It is not something that you set alight and then sit back and simply reflect on the blaze.
